Demented car

Dave Ramsey says everyone should have a "car with character." In other words, while you're working to eliminate debt, don't squander your money on vehicles that loose value by the minute. We have such a car. I've named her "Jezebel" after the wicked woman in the Bible. Personally, I think she's possessed.

Jezebel is a 1999 Chrysler LHS--the best argument for Chrysler Motors being allowed to go bankrupt and out-of-business. Based upon my experience, President Obama did NOT do the country a service by bailing out this car company. What would have been a service to the country?--a mercy killing of Chrysler.

Jezebel started out looking and acting like a respectable lady. She had her whistles and bells--and they all worked. But just as God made mud and little boys to go together, Jezebel was drawn to the dark side. It began with little things, like the radio. Oh, Jezebel has/had a good system with quality speakers--for a little while. Soon they began to distort. To be able to understand anything coming over the radio I had to shut down 3 of the 4 speakers and could barely distinguish what was playing. Not great, but I lived with it.(It helped if I'd tilt my left ear slightly up and forward.) Then, she began to play games with the CD's I'd attempt to listen to while traveling. (For a while I sold medical equipment--had 12 states in my territory--and spent a lot of windshield time.) Books on tape are my friend. Jezebel thought to irritate me by having her CD player quit at the worst moment. Just when the novel on tape was about to reveal the killer, Jezebel snorked the CD and left me totally unfulfilled as a listener.

As Jezz aged, she became more diabolical. She'd set off her security system in the middle of the night--for no reason. (Great way to meet your neighbors--3:00 A.M. and the car alarm is wailing--neighbors rush out to see if a car is being vandalized--not a great way to get on the good side of same neighbors.) Or in the middle of the afternoon in a parking lot. (ATTENTION WAL-MART SHOPPERS! WOULD THE DRIVER OF A GREEN CHRYSLER LHS PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON THE HOUND DOGS IN THE BACK OF THE PICKUPS AND TURN OFF YOUR CRAZY CAR'S SECURITY SYSTEM! And yes, I did get run out of Slap N Tickle, Arkansas, for irritating the Bubba's hunting dogs. Long story--not important--the buckshot wounds healed nicely, thank you.) The driver's side power seat decided to play tricks with my Sacroiliac and stopped moving forward and backwards--it started twisting sideways. (Wierd position for driving but it does make it easier to grab items from the back seat but try explaining that to a state trooper who wants to know why you're in a sideways position while driving instead of facing directly forwards. Got off with a warning and the purchase of two tickets to the policeman's fundraiser for disgruntled officers.)

Jezz started leaving a light on (not the kind Tom Bodett of Motel 6 leaves on) the dash indicating "door ajar." It's not ajar, but that's just Jezz' sick sense of humor.

Finally took the old gal to the home for wayward Chryslers (the Dodge house) and discovered she needs an exorcism to begin with (every try to find a priest to do an exorcism on a car?)and had/has a bad BODY CONTROL MODULE, among several other ailments. "Doctor, how much will it cost to fix the bad BODY CONTROL MODULE?" "Son, the BODY CONTROL MODULE will just be the beginning of the charge and it's $973.00. We don't know what else is wrong with the demon-possessed thing but we're willing to try as long as the meter's running on your credit card."

Understand that at this point I double the value of the car whenever I fill the fuel tank. And now this mechanic says I need to give him carte blanch to fix a car that probably should be burned at the stake or hung at high noon.

"Can we just disconnect the security system?" I hopefully ask. "Not possible, it's interwoven with her dahmler digital driving diagnostic disproportional dipstick."

"What can we do?" I hopelessly wailed. "Well, we could disconnect the BODY CONTROL MODULE, but there will be some side effects. It will be similar to neutering a cat."
"GREAT, I love neutering cats."

My demented, diabolical car has been neutered. The BODY CONTROL MODULE is disconnected and there are some strange side effects:
1) The horn honks every time I start the car. (I have to survey the area to see if any young woman is near so they don't think I'm seeking their attention. NOT GOOD.)
2) The heater automatically sets itself to 75 degrees and has to be reset TWICE.
3) The odometer is like a one-armed bandit in Lost Wages, Nevada. It keeps spinning, either forward or backwards, whenever I turn off the engine.
4) The power door locks are disabled, but the other day while I was driving, the door locks automatically locked. (Visions of "The Twilight Zone.")
5) My power seat won't work BUT recently while driving it twisted the seat. (Honest Officer, I didn't deliberately turn my back on you when you passed me--IT WAS CRAZY JEZEBEL.)

So, Dave Ramsey, I have my "car with character." Actually, I'd like to have a car without character, but that's for another day.