It was 42 years ago last January (January 28, 1968) that I answered God's call to ministry. At that time the only real options for ministry (in a local church) were to pastor or be the worship leader. (God had not yet created Youth Pastors or Ministers of Education, or, gasp, Executive Pastors.) Lacking any kind of musical ability it was obvious I was being called to the pastoral ministry. So as a 17 year old boy, I reluctantly and shyly announced to God, man and the world that I was called to pastor. Everyone congratulated me and older and wiser (?) pastors told me of the duties I'd be required to fulfill in serving God and man. Somehow they left out some of the more "refined" duties of a "man of God."
Four years of college and 3 1/2 years of seminary (yes, I am a slow learner but the degree required me to complete 96 hours on my Masters) and I'm prepared for whatever challenges would come my way. I studied Greek, Hebrew, Systematic Theology, Biblical Preaching, Biblical Ethics, Evangelism, Missions, Church Administration, Church History, Baptist History, just to name a few. We had interesting discussions in class and writing assignments (pre-computer) that killed more trees than should be allowed by law (also pre-Al Gore days). I walked the lofty halls of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and heard some of the outstanding pastors and Christian leaders of the day. Aaahhhhh yes, called, committed, taught, groomed and sent out into the world to represent God to man and man to God.
Perhaps the first major awakening I had post-seminary was that while I had nearly killed myself jumping through the academic hoops of the seminary, they hadn't really prepared me for real church life. Time warp with me 35 years post seminary and let me tell you about my most recent challenge in ministry.
The church I serve (I'm the...gasp...Executive Pastor) owns 33 acres in the southern portion of our city. It is the promised land for prairie dogs. Those dogs have reproduced at a rate that makes rabbits look celibate. And can they eat? I don't have scientific facts but my observation is they eat 86 times their body weight each hour. They slicked the vegetation off our land like one of the Biblical plagues (I'm going to review my Hebrew because I think--just think, mind you, that the Hebrew word for "plague of locusts" can also be interpreted "horde of prairie dogs.") Being a living and breeding--errr, I mean breathing critter with an advanced digestive system, they produce---they produce tons of---uhhhhh, how can I delicately say this--they produce prairie dog.................................................poop.
Now let's take this situation up a notch. This Prairie Dog Promised Land sits next to a housing development. Our land is quite flat and sandy. Flat land sans vegatation tends to become part of the wind here in West Texas. And this has been a windy Spring. Much of our land has blown onto our neighbor's lawn, drives, swimming pools, etc. This has not made them very happy. (You'd think this "free" land acquisition would make them jump for joy. WRONG!) They began to register their displeasure with our church and their compaints made their way to me. E-mail has been the method of choice for communication. They've alternated between begging for relief all the way to threatening us with various and sundry forms of...well, never mind, you get the picture. They desire/demand/want us to do something to stop the dirt from blowing--no small fete in West Texas. Their pleas became more desparate. (Thank you for bearing with me to this point. You're about to see my dilemma of being un-seminary-prepared-for-real-ministry.) Here's the ultimate complaint.
"Dear Sir. Your land is blowing into my yard and swimming pool, which is disturbing enough. But today, the wind is filled with flying feces from the prairie dogs." FLYING FECES! How in the heck did the good professors at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary fail to prepare me for dealing with FLYING FECES? Prairie Dog Poop should become a required course at seminary to prepare young ministers for life in the real church world. I guarantee you they didn't prepare me for this. And what the old preachers told me in 1968--they didn't tell me all I needed to know. And if they did know and failed to tell me--well, I'll just trust God to get 'em for me. In the mean time I'm searching all known seminaries for an advanced course in prairie dog poop. Got any recommendations?
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